Friday, 2 September 2011

Dull women have immaculate houses?

Hats off to those super mums out there. How on earth do you manage to work, run a household look after your children and write blogs too! ? Today I'm gearing up to be a great housewife alongside re-thinking my career choices yet again. I'm officially on a blog break from scrubbing down the kitchen floors and wiping down walls and surfaces. This place is going to look immaculate once I have finished with it.

I'm discovering that although cleaning can be immensely satisfying and relatively pain free (unless you're cleaning an oven - or reaching on tip toes to get to that last cobweb in the corner) it can also be time rather tedious, repetitive and time consuming.

However it keeps you busy and focused. My cleaning repertoire is relatively mundane. Being a household of just two with the luxury of a dishwasher and a Dyson - there really isn't that much to do. Maybe that's where I am going wrong - perhaps there is a lot more to do than the bi-weekly wall and skirting board wipe and the bathroom and kitchen scrub down. (incidentally I hate having a white kitchen). Maybe cleaning is the answer - but what is the question...erm.. how long do you spend cleaning your household? And what is the must-do cleaning job of the day, week, or month?

Do people actually have daily cleaning chores. Perhaps I should recreate a Shirley Valentine style life - cleaning the fridge on a Friday - the TV on a Tuesday and the Microwave on a Monday? Hell no, she was stuck-in-a-rut and stagnant - that could never be me. But does having an immaculate home make you a dull person? Mmm. I know enough amazingly fabulous people with fabulously immaculate homes and they're far from boring. My personal opinion of cleaning is that the art of cleaning itself is dull. Unless you whack on some Tina Turner, draw the curtains, get naked and clean away those cobwebs...

This contagious cleaning cloud of thinking got me daydreaming about my nephews again... the little tikes make so much mess with their toys littered everywhere, their spillages, painting escapades and not to mention food eruptions. Having children must seem like one big operation tidy up?

Is no wonder that so many mummies are back into their skinny mini clothes weeks after child-birth - because with children there is so much to do around the house - endless chores and special requests. How do you ladies ever manage to get out of the house!?

Even without child there is - but you have to be that way inclined. I'm no show-home Schammy so for those of you who know me - this blog may come as a surprise. I'm not messy - but I'd rather be out hop, skipping, or jumping than indoors cleaning - today seems like the exception.

I've always believed that a 'Clean house is a sign of a wasted life.' But today I feel deflated or defeated - six of one and half a dozen of the other - so donning the marigolds, popping on the pinny and dancing with the duster seems like the shake-this-feeling-off-fast solution.

After all 'A tidy house is a tidy mind' I was reading some Zen warblings that said when you keep a tidy home not only will you feel better, but you will also become for efficient and clear in the vision of your goal. This will allow you to leapfrog your progress and achieve the results you want in record time. Umpph. Our house is always tidy (ish) John is the tidier of the two - (verging on OCD) but I admire his dedication to the cleanliness cause.

The kitchen is now sparkling - having sat down I feel side tracked to A.) Start looking for new jobs, B.) Google up on what makes a good housewife (yes, these sites actually exist) or C.) Wake up Johnny to get him to admire the kitchen.

I chose B and could not believe that advice like this existed. Googling is one of my favourite hobbies - try it - you might like it. Start with ex boyfriends, old friends, new friends etc - this is the funny part. Remember Peter from Drama group - look he turned out to be Peter the pornstar. Be warned you could be disappointed with the results (clearly not the Peter one!). It's a bit like the Facebook Guess Who game - only you can find out a lot more details!

Anyway - I clearly need to get out more. Back to the How to guides. Seriously why has someone written a how to be a good housewife guide - and why have I just spent time reading it. It's funny - take a look:

  • Have dinner ready. Plan Ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his returm. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and a concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed!
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, but a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been to work with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives - run a dishcloth over the tables.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will fee he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comforts will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him
  • Greet him with a warm smile and shoe sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. you make have a dozen of important things to tell him, the the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Don't great him with problems or worries.
  • Don"t complain if he is late for dinner - or if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don"t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity, Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife knows her place.

Pick me up from the floor - I can't stop laughing. Of course I'm not a wife - but near enough the next best thing. That has made my day. I need to get back to job hunting, or cleaning - being a good housewife sounds too much like hard work! Or perhaps I should go and by some red ribbon for my hair!

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